Futurepants!

After accomplishing his mission by rectifying the car’s principal design imperfection (by way of a newly reconfigured cigarette lighter), Jonz returns to the Moon and the future/present with a mission report, a plea for freedom, and a suitcase full of Haggar Men's Mynx Gabardine Hidden Expandable Waist Pleated Dress Pants.

But before Jonz can finish presenting his case it is revealed that Detritus has been preparing the construction of Jonz’s replacement, with machine parts from a television set and several vending machines, and in a senseless panic akin to a robotic nervous breakdown, he escapes with the aid of the time machine to 1979.
Fearing The Professor’s wrath, Jonz attempts to return his cache of slacks but is rejected when it is revealed his receipt is from the future. He takes to the streets lamenting his imminent destruction awaiting the moment his creator appears to exact punishment, all the while shopping extensively for Houndstooth Check Poly Pants in shades burgundy, tan and white with two inch belt loops, front slit pockets and back set in pockets.

Professor Detritus, bribing his dim-witted prison guard with the promise of building a friendly robot dog that poops newly minted twenty dollar bills, is granted a 1-Day pass from his cell to use the time machine and retrieve his robot. When he arrives at his destination the era that he once knew and lived in has been irrevocably altered by Jonz’s seemingly innocent actions of car design manipulation and pants shopping producing an alternate reality the flip-side of our own.

Detritus tracks Jonz down easily, following the trail of discarded receipts and price tags, and is about to shut his invention down for good when…

Once upon a time, in the not too distant future, Professor Demetrious Emilio Hasselblad Womelsdorf Detritus: Author, Inventor, Raconteur, Physics Genius, Media Laughingstock, Paranoid Schizophrenic, and Criminal Mastermind, has been slowly going mad over the course of his multiple-life-sentences, incarcerated in Gernsback Lunar Prison Facility on the far side of the Moon for countless charges of fraud, embezzlement, tax evasion, check kiting, squirrel molestation and several complex ponzi schemes related to his connection to inventing the famously failed Majestic 12 sports car design debacle, indelibly marring the once sterling reputation of the long-ailing Rossiter Motor Conglomerate, located in Berlin, New Jersey.

During his time served, Professor Detritus secretly constructs his greatest invention: an actual working Time Machine with plans for him to escape his dungeon and right all the injustices made against him by his innumerable enemies both real and imagined: including fixing the design flaw in the Majestic-12 that made the vehicle, and himself, so infamous.

For that purpose alone Detritus creates one final invention with the last of the spare parts from his project: AB-J0IVZ, or, Abernathy Jonz, a self rationalizing robotic android to be used as a test subject and pioneer pilot for the time machine and also double as a surreptitious agent to rectify the Majestic-12’s famous flaw.

In an incredible display of noise, light, and the curvature of the space-time continuum, Jonz travels through a controlled man-made button hole in the universal fabric and lands shaken but unharmed in a parking lot somewhere in Atlantic City, New Jersey in the Summer of 1982.

After accomplishing his mission by rectifying the car’s principal design imperfection, Jonz returns to the Moon and the future/present with a mission report, a plea for freedom, and a suitcase full of Haggar Men's Mynx Gabardine Expandable Waist Pleated Dress Pants. But before Jonz can finish presenting his case it is revealed that Detritus has been preparing the construction of Jonz’s replacement, with machine parts from a television set and several vending machines, and in a senseless panic akin to a robotic nervous breakdown, he escapes with the aid of the time machine to 1980.

In twelve point four seconds the android returns from fourteen months of careful, surreptitious corporate tampering and as much shopping as robotically possible and in a blink of an electronic eye not only has Professor Detritus’ fortunes been radically changed and his reputation completely cleared of any legal negligence, he now appears—in a newly minted version of historical hindsight—an important visionary and socially conscious iconoclast of forward-thinking change.

Who Knew?

AB-JOIVZ Prototype- Stage 001‏

If there is one thing Professor Detritus has learned over the course of his endless decades of rigorously adhering to the sacred Steps of the Scientific method, it’s to always send a robot to do a human’s job—especially if you’re not really a hundred percent sure on whatever it is you’re doing.

So plans for a trial-run pilot were drawn to helm the newly constructed Detritus temporal conveyor. Thusly, Artificial Unit AB-J0IVZ was produced, but only with the few spare parts at hand left over.

There was, however, one seemingly insignificant omission…


Suddenly fresh out of computer programming punch cards—the only crude technology at his disposal-- the mad professor made a creative adjustment on the fly: spare pages randomly torn from Larry LeGripsey’s antique bathroom reading material, an ancient dog-eared copy of a 1978 Sears Catalog accidentally acquired through E Bay several years ago.













And though it wasn’t readily apparent through initial systems analysis scanning, there was no detection of the something that was about to occur in the logic circuits of Abernathy’s Central Processing Unit.


That something was an anomalous spark that spun a chain of thoughts and dreams threaded together into a fantastic object of astounding desire: A nicely tailored pair of smart-looking affordable pants.

As the supposed tale goes, the origins of The Hot Apple Spider began between Moravian College students John Newcomer and Mike Kolinsky late one evening when Kolinsky revealed he owned 1964 Slingerland drum kit. Days later the entire kit was set up in the kitchen of Kolinsky’s apartment. A profusion of longform jamming commenced and, sometime after, they encountered keyboardist Justin Deangelo through Bethlehem area painter Chris Kosztyo, and before long a 1973 Rhodes electric piano was filling the remaining space next to the fridge.

What playing would result during these early kitchen sessions usually didn’t amount to much more than gratuitous jamming, typically drum and keyboard duo material made up on the spot and soon after buried to near-forgotten status.

It was at this moment, as the delay pedal-infused space/psych rock sensibilities of Newcomer’s guitar met the harmonic direction and vintage keyboard timbres of Deangelo's keys all backed with Kolinsky’s solid drumming, that the central core of The Hot Apple Spider was created, though not officially appellated (by Mr. Newcomer) until almost a year later.

It took them about 18 months to write their first song. After that, the rest was easy.

After a 3 year stint performing regular gigs in and around the Lehigh Valley, followed by a 2 year hiatus (as Mr. Deangelo musical studies dictated), the Hot Apple Spider returns to the Lehigh Valley again, this time with the addition of the adaptable and dynamic Daniel “DanO” O’Connor, from Reading PA’s popular dance-rock band Indian Rope Trick and obscure underground New Jersey-based Psychedelic Folk-Tune Trio Cat Head Mange, who serendipitously swooped in and filled out their sound in August 2008.

Describing The Hot Apple Spider’s music style is challenging, since each of the Spiders has a varied, vastly broad, and wildly eclectic taste in music. Indie Rock or Lo-fi Lounge, sometimes 50’s rock ‘n’ roll, sometimes 80’s New Wave, and sometimes early 70’s Progressive, (They like to say “From ABBA to Zappa”) they take each song they forge as a new opportunity to delve deeply into a different music genre and from there try to exploit it to its fullest or invert it to its most unrecognizable.

The Hot Apple Spider is poised to be not only be wildly popular, but to carve out its own musical niche by the sheer efficacy of their own voice of originality. All that is needed is a rabid fan base, which augments with each new audience, and they will be well on their way to a stage near you.

An Introduction:

An unlikely collective of anomalously variegated musician/artist/writers, known as The Hot Apple Spider, established itself in a series of improvised kitchen jams in and around the Lehigh Valley/ Bethlehem Pennsylvania area in the latter part of the 20th Century.

In their present conclusive state: John Newcomer: on Guitar and Vocals, Justin DeAngelo: Keys and Vocals, Mike Kolinsky: Drums and Vocals, and DanO: Bass and Vocals, The Spiders have been performing their live shows locally for the last several years. Their original music—an idiosyncratic content with capricious musical shifts-- is a strange but familiar mixed bag of treats and tricks, from toe-tapping jams and melodic old-school riffs, to angular space rock, cryptic prog anthems and emotional odes to Ricardo Montalban. Their multifarious and disparately inspired song output, include reports and observances of obscure Dickens characters, rebellious aquatic organisms, sweater-wearing goats, and a particular pants-obsessed robot. They’ve also been known to surreptitiously pepper their sets with various cover songs that include Frank Zappa, The Flaming Lips, Dire Straits, The Beatles and the theme to the 1971 Michael Caine version of “Get Carter”.

Their latest effort, a ridiculous sci-fi themed rock opera to be performed at The Reading Planetarium at the end of June 2010, will more than marginally enhance their already slowly burgeoning cult-fan base.

Stay Tuned...